New Beginnings?
by audi
Summary: post X episode 24, Subaru looks back into his time spent with Kamui, amongst other things. Subaru+Kamui, questioned SeishiroxHakuto, past SeishiroxSubaru and past FuumaxKamui


Disclaimer: i've decided that the whole purpose of X is to see how many yaoi pairings CLAMP can fit into one anime and still have said anime make sense.   
  
Pairings: Subaru+Kamui, questioned SeishiroxHakuto, past SeishiroxSubaru and past FuumaxKamui   
  
Summary: post episode 24, Subaru looks back into his time spent with Kamui, amongst other things.   
  
What's with me and povs? And why are they always… Meh!   
  
No, it doesn't make sense, but i figure that Subaru is pretty shaken.   
  
audi  
thegoddess@goddess.com   
  
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**New Beginnings?**

I've killed them all. Hokuto, Seishiro… and… Kamui. It's my fault that they died, I know it is. I… I was too weak to protect them, so they took it upon themselves to protect me. Why, damnit! Hokuto, onee-chan… You wanted me to be happy, that's what Seishiro said. You wanted me to be happy, yet you died anyway. Not like you had a choice, what with Seishiro's actions. Ah, yes, your beloved Sei-chan. Oh, yes, we'll both live happily ever after. That's what you wanted, right, Hokuto? You wanted Seishiro and me to live happily together. How could you expect me to forgive him for killing you? There might have been something, once, but how could I forgive him. Besides, he was of Earth. We were practically destined to kill each other.   
  
_Isn't your wish to kill me?_ No, Seishiro… No, my wish was never to kill you. You may have been my enemy, but I didn't want you do die. I never wanted to have my hands stained with your blood. I can't seem to get rid of the sensation. I could feel your blood, warm on my arm, and your heart. It beat against me right before it stopped. How could I have wanted that?   
  
_I tried to erase all traces of you from my heart, but I couldn't do it._   
  
I couldn't then any more than I can now. What happened to us? There truly was a time when I thought we could be happy, like onee-chan wanted. Well, that was before I knew she wanted it, before she died. I thought of you after, too. Always of you.   
  
Until Kamui.   
  
There's just something about Kamui, something that I could never figure out. He was hurting so much. We all knew that, but none of us ever knew just how much he was hurting. He had everyone he loved torn from him… His mum, his aunt, the two that he loved most. Nobody should have had to endure that. Yet he did. It almost makes me feel guilty for bringing him back.   
  
He was so… frightened when he locked himself out. He was crying. Kamui, our saviour, was crying. I wanted to reach out, to hold him in my arms and tell him all was okay. Kind of ironic, though, that we both suffered similarly. I lost Hokuto and Seishiro abandoned me, he lost Kotori and Fuma abandoned him. It was almost as if there was an understanding reached between us, common ground. I was able to bring him back, I showed him that he wasn't alone.   
  
He protected me. More than any of the others. His Fuma—no, the Dragon of Earth—had killed Saiki and hurt my eye… Yet instead of running after him, he came to me. He sat by my bedside to make sure that I was okay. He was holding my hand in his, wishing for my recovery. Had I the strength and the courage, I would have sat up and kissed him. I wanted to. I couldn't bring myself to, though. What if his memories of Fuma would make him reject me? My own memories were what urged me on. I felt that I needed to forget Seishiro.   
  
Why did he say good-bye to me. Damnit! Why did he wish to die! He went out there to have the Dragon of Earth kill him. He wanted Fuma back, I know, but why did he bother to tell me that he was leaving. Did his 'sayonara' really mean 'sorry, Subaru, it cannot be'? Damnit! Kamui! I want an answer! You rescued me again. And yet…   
  
And yet I wanted to die. Kamui, if you were going to die, if you knew you were going to die, why didn't you take me with you? You were all I had left! Hokuto left me and Seishiro left me, Kamui. Kamui… What good was saving your Fuma if you died doing it?! You could have saved him and lived, there had to have been a way! Or you could have let me die. Nothing waits me here. Everyone I've ever loved is gone.   
  
Hokuto and Seishiro are probably happy, together in death. They've probably forgotten about me. Hokuto did visit, right after you said good-bye. She left abruptly, though. Was it to tell me that she had Sei-chan with her? All I can do is wish them happiness… I guess. They're there and I'm here. Alone. Alone. But, I guess I'm in the same boat as Fuma after all.   
  
If I hadn't already hated Fuma for being the other Kamui, the Dragon of Earth, I would have hated him for causing my Kamui pain. Granted he was never _my_ Kamui, well not in that sense, but he will always live on in my heart. Who was it that said that? I mourn for them. If someone needs to mourn… but I don't want to. No... But does anyone actually want to mourn?   
  
I want happiness… I want someone to love me… I want Kamui. 


End file.
